but here goes.
my semester went really great.
but I’m feeling kind of lackluster about it because I put a lot of time and effort into “courting” a boy, if you will, that seems to have been for nought.
and I’m just really sick of not being good enough for the guys I like.
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO FIND WHO IS BETTER?!
I mean really.
fuck.
this house is just filled with such negative, poisonous energy and I just don’t know if I can handle this for another 3 weeks. thank everything that I’m leaving at the end of the month. everything will be great. everything. just counting down the fucking days.
this place was so full of negative energy and anger when I was a kid and somehow it’s all back again.
all I know is when I have kids I’m going to do my damnedest to make sure they grow up in a happy environment.
if my mother was so unhappy here for so long why didn’t she just leave? why didn’t she get a divorce? because that would be failing?
because if it was the whole “we stayed together for the kids” that’s a load of shit. the angry environment I grew up in was not healthy. it did me no fucking good.
my mother told me that she hates me today. and the worst thing is I think I believe her. I am so much like my father and she hates him too.
just fuck everything right now.
but like yelling really intensely.
I cannot wait to move out of this household again.
there’s waaaaaay too much negative energy here.
I don’t even know why. it’s sunny. why do y’all gotta yell all the time?!
yeah that makes the initial hurt feel so much better.
all he said was “that’s fine” and then got all crazy about how it better not cost him anything.
I mean, yes, it’s going to cost a little bit to move back out there, but in the long run they’ll be saving SO MUCH MONEY with me not living with them.
and we’ve got three months to come up with the damn money. and we’ve already got plans on how to do it with the damn bank, but it’s the kind of thing he doesn’t understand because he can’t do anything that has to do with money.
and I mean, freak out in your head and manage to be nice enough to say “congrats!” or something for fuck’s sake.
I mean, what, did he want me to stay here forever substitute teaching? and how did he think my bill were gonna get paid this summer? they weren’t because there’s no subbing int he summer, so this way we save all that money.
and financial aid usually pays more than you need, so I can pay them back all kinds of money eventually.
I just can’t even.
I mean, they both give me shit every once in a while, but the way my father is about it is just so hurtful sometimes.
I think y’all know who I’m talking about and if I don’t manage to kill her before she leaves on Friday it will be a miracle.
